Tell Me What You Want, What You Really Really Want

We were just watching some muted basketball and slowly moving closer together.  Holding one hand...both hands participating in the hand holding...him skooching down the couch so his face was closer to mine...him resting his head on mine...the occasional kiss on the top of my head...looking down at me, trying to make eye contact...me silently screaming: "just kiss me already"...I finally look up at him, we both smile that "finally" smile...our lips meet...we kiss.

Just sleeping in my little twin-sized bed, his arms wrapped around me. I don't think I could feel any happier.  That is where I belong.

I really love how he plays with my hair when I'm resting my head on his shoulder.

We slept in. God, I wish I could wake up every morning with him right there beside me.

From there, I dropped him off at the airport by myself.  We shared a not-long-enough embrace, a few kisses, our "I'll miss you's", and my "Why are you always leaving?".  I let go of him, he grabbed his bags and I watched him walk through those sliding glass doors and disappear.  I lingered for a second longer, filing away all the memories we made in our short time together. I got in my car, and as I turned the key, I wondered if goodbye was as hard for him as it was for me.  I made it to the freeway merging lane before the tears came.  Hot, heavy, painful tears that left streaks in my makeup and made driving not so safe.  "Somebody That I Used to Know" was playing on the radio.

It honestly feels like a lifetime ago. I have to remind myself it actually happened because it seems so surreal, so dreamlike.  Mostly because I've dreamed about him knocking on my door since the day he left.

"I just want to be with you."
"So do I (with you, I'm with myself quite regularly)"

I'm so proud and excited for you.

It would be a tough choice, though.  Leaving all his friends, family, shoot, his flippin' country.

I'd like to think he at least thought about me, about us.

 ...the fact that we could be together.

I've been thinking about it a lot recently about what I want. I think I know now. I want a chance for us to be together.  As in no one has plans to leave any time soon.  A chance to be with him.  A chance to give it a go. A chance to see what we can be.

I just don't know if that's what he wants.

How do I even bring it up?

"The day before I left
Started missing you like hell, like hell
Now I'm frustrated everyday
That you live so far away
We could have a postcard relationship
We could build a castle in the air, it isn't fair
Marie, Marie you live so far away from me
And it's so hard to be happy when you're living in another country"