Dearest Yuch,
I just finished reading your latest blog and felt like writing you this letter (Why don't I have your address?). I've bee going through some stressful times lately and have always struggled with the self-confidence issue. Your post reminded me of a lot of the emotions that I've been going through, as well. And, although it makes me sad to see you struggling with letting your 'true self' show, what you said at the end of your post, 'I have to keep reminding myself of the better person I can be. Because it's so easy to forget,' really hit home for me. It IS so easy to forget all the good qualities I have because, for me, it's so much easier to focus on the flaws. 'Why can't I be better at this?' 'Why don't I know more about this?' And the thing that's so frustrating is I KNOW this isn't healthy. I know I shouldn't be so negative and harsh towards myself, but I do it anyway. But you made me stop and think about how much better I can be and it gives me hope. And I thank you for that.
I know how you feel in terms of being stressed out and anxious. Just this past week, there was a science/tech job fair that I planned on going to. I went to the job fair workshops beforehand, printed out copies of my resume, and researched the companies I was interested in. I ended up not going because I was so stressed and nervous, but mostly because I felt that no one would be interested in me, so why even bother. Those couple of days were filled with tears, insecurity, shame and guilt.
But the job fair also brings up this feeling that I've had for awhile now. And it's the feeling of being stuck, or trapped like you mentioned. I can't really describe it, other than I feel like I'm being held back or like I'm missing out on something spectacular. But what that is, I have no idea. In some ways, I feel like it's school that's holding me back from all these great experiences and it'll only be after I graduate that I will be able to 'experience life,' whatever that means. It's like I'm trapped in this place where I don't know what I want to do, but if I could just get out there and experience different things, I could find out what it is that I want. But this 'not knowing what I want to do' also brings with it a lot of anxiety and pressure.
Anyway, there's not really much of a point to this letter. I'm sorry if it seems like a bunch of rambling and complaining. I just want you to know that you're not alone in this and in a way to remind myself of the same thing. If you ever want to talk about any of these things or how you're feeling (good or bad), I'm always here for you.
Oh, and by the way: you say that no one has seen the 'true, crazy, carefree' you, but I must disagree. Obviously no one else has seen you watch Vampire Diaries, or play Smash Brothers, or heard you curse under your breath, or seen you run around like a crazy person pillow fighting to the death, or seen you laugh and scream while being tickled ;) (This is me reminding you of that awesome person that I think we both know you are). Although I may not have seen this Yuch 100% of the time, I've definitely caught my fair share of glimpses of this mysterious 'true' Yuch. And I love her. I love you, Yuch, don't ever forget that!
Love,
Katie
